Forty-nine years ago, on this day, my parents were married by the Justice of the Peace in the my Mom's home town of Wiesbaden (pronounced veez-bah-den), Germany.  Today marks the first time Mom will be alone on this anniversary.  Nothing specific was planned for this day except for Dad to have been home for about a month after his stay in the hospital earlier in the year which he didn't return home from.  I would have gone over to their place after dropping off the wife at the bus depot and spent some time with them.  I imagine that my wife and I would have gone over in the evening after she got home from work for a nice anniversary dinner prepared by Mom.  Instead, Mom and I will be visiting Dad at the cemetery and eat out at Shari's afterwards.  She doesn't know it yet, but I intend to pay.  I don't remember ever treating my parents to a meal out, which I regret, but I'll get the chance to make it up to Mom today.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do or say in a situation like this.  Today serves only to rip open what little scab formed since Dad passed away.  I can't imagine what Mom is going through or will be going through until I get there later this morning.  I will do my best to give her the best day possible, considering the circumstances.  Happy anniversary.

It's coming up on four months since my Dad passed away and while I find myself easily distracted by work and hobbies, things just haven't gotten a lot better.  I know it will take time, a lot of time, for the pain to subside, but there are still times when I can't believe he's gone.  He should still be sitting in his favorite chair in his home, reading his books, and he isn't and there are times when nothing seems to help.

I am especially worried about my Mom.  She's having an even harder time, especially with their anniversary coming up on the 26th.  She's not been sleeping well and has constant headaches which I believe are caused by stress.  She keeps going over the night he fell and the day he passed away in her mind, asking questions that no one can answer.  She's also isolated herself from the rest of the family as they have disappointed, and in some cases abandoned, her during this time.  Mom doesn't want to seek counselling, insisting she work things out on her own, so I don't press the issue.

With the anniversary and, later, the holidays coming up, I just wish this year would end already.  I feel as though I don't have anything to look forward to the rest of the year, not that I expect next year to be any better.  After all, we've been going through pain and death since 2006.

I apologize for the negative nature of this post, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment.  Hopefully, tomorrow will bring positive energy and hope.

During my daily call with Mom this evening, I found myself smiling.  I realized that I was probably the only person she talked to today.  Not that I find that a good thing, but it made me realize that I'm appreciating the time I spend with my Mom, be it in-person or on the phone, a lot more these days.

Before Dad passed away, I didn't look forward to calling my parents as Mom would go on and on about things I just didn't find interesting and she didn't seem to give me time to say anything I might want to talk about.  Dad and I didn't talk much on the phone, but I always enjoyed those silent talks.

Now, I find myself caring more about what she has to say.  I try a little harder to do more talking now too and I think our relationship is getting better.  However, I wonder if I'm being too overprotective of her now that Dad's gone.  Maybe that's normal.  I don't know.

I do know that I miss those times where Dad and I both struggled to find something to say.  "We'll see you when we see you," he'd always say in closing before we said we loved each other.